The Aussie 58 billion buck deficit.

Dear Wayne Swan, our Federal Treasurer, our Mr Budget.

I might not be a beancounter or the sharpest tool in the shed, but I got our household budget down pat. You see, when we get into a bit of strife we just tighten the old belt and defer the weekends up the river, switch from lamb to bangers, drag out the home brew kit, whatever. If things get real bad we cut down on time spent at the pub, like leaving before midnight. And we don't buy the kids anything for Christmas.

Now let me give this a bit of a go here.

As of tomorrow, 13 May, Australia, the land of Skippy, Vegemite and the world's best beer COOPERS, will be 58 BILLION SMACKERS in the hole.

TOO EASY!!!!

The 25 to 30 billion for defence for the next 12 months? Send all the sappers, the wing jocks, look, even the regimental mascots off on paid holidays. Like, 12 months of holidays. Stick all the tanks and the other stuff into some big shed in the middle of the Simpson Desert.

BINGO.........30 billion you don't have to worry about. And because the whole box & dice is shut down, probably another 10 billion back into the old skyrocket.

And don't go worrying about any invasions. Trust me, it won't happen! Countries invade countries only to snaffle someone else's goodies. Never, ever has there been a Beer War! Boer War yes, Beer war no.

Nearly there.


Go follow Western Australia's example and DUMP THAT FLEET OF FANCY CARS you got there in Canberra. Send the drivers home, on a holiday, for 12 months. Yep, equality, don't ya love it? Catch a cab, help an ailing industry out. Nope, bugger it. See if you can stitch up K-Mart or Target for some free bicycles. Give them a grant or something. BINGO!!

Transfer funding away from those arty farty places and into PUBS. Yep, that's where the votes are mate. In the great Aussie pub. Get the price of a pint down to where it was in 1972, nope 1952. Let's get Aussies out & about and back into three-deep shouts at the local. Then sit back and watch gambling turnover blast into orbit with your popularity in supersonic tow. And honestly the hospitals will love ya for it.....they get a great, big chomp out of the gambling pie in every state. Go for it Swannie!!!! BINGO!!

Why stop there. I was in your Parlie House a few months ago watching you dudes in action. I couldn't help but notice all those smartly uniformed staffers running your little messages around the room and delivering glasses of water. Holidays, send them all home for 12 months, on full pay. BINGO!!

Get off your lazy backsides and get your own bloody water!!!!

I think I'm nearly there.

No more overseas junkets...... GOOGLE IT for heaven's sakes!!!! Get yourself a Twitter account and Tweet away.

And Prime Minister Kev doesn't need that big fat plane to flit around in.

MOTHBALLS!!!! I think someone is doing Canberra to Sydney for a fiver inclusive of peanuts. Oh, but they charge extra for the hairdryer.

That's it mate. Take my advice and Wednesday morning you will be the most popular polie in Australia. The World. The only country on this economy-ravaged planet with a surplus. You'll be swamped by offers from all over the globe and maybe even further afield. Melmac, Twilight Zone, the Orion Nebula, who knows...the sky will not be your limit. Get your bags packed and standby for blast-off.

And one last thing, be a true blue fair dinkum Aussie and give the Pensioners 150 bucks a week extra. You can afford it on the Rob 'Robbo' McKibbin Budget.