Federal Election. If I was one of the Independents.

What a bloody circus this election has become. Sitting around, day after day, waiting to find a winner, a new or a recycled Leader.

OK. The circus idea has gripped my imagination. So, what would be my wish list to sling at Julia and Tony?

FUNDING FOR BEER DRINKERS.

The BDs of this nation have been ignored for way too long. Not unlike those fortnightly payments for bubs, I would like to see a couple hundred appear into my forever empty account, every fortnight, only to be used for going to the pub.

Consider the benefits. Guaranteed employment for all those hot chicks behind the bar. SAWater making a killing supplying crap Adelaide water to Coopers Brewery as beer production goes in to orbit. Then there are the hossies. Gambling will shoot right through the bloody roof. Those cheques from Lotteries Commissions to horsepistols will breed like bunnies. I can see new wards sprouting up everywhere with names such as The Guinness Ward.

A YEARLY TRAVEL ALLOWANCE.

The Pensioners get tossed a couple of tickets for free train travel each year. Hey, let’s expand that service. Just before Christmas, mail out Five Thousand Buck Qantas Travel Vouchers. Why the polies ask? Here’s a stupid question for ya. Think you will be voted out at the next election? Hell no!!!

INCENTIVES FOR PROSTATE TESTS

I have gone to my doc several times lately for the ultimate sacrifice...an encounter with a sheathed finger and a blob of gel. Only to reappear with the knowledge that my ears were clear. You know those little cardboard gauges you get to measure the circumference of your ring finger? How about a Prostate Incentive Kit that includes one for the doctor. Get to the surgery, line up all the docs, and whack all their fingers through that little bad boy. The teeniest weeniest one gets the honours. Include a voucher for a couple of pre-inspection pints at the local, and you are set. Thwack Thwack, bring it on big fella.

POLITICIANS ANNUAL AWARDS.

Bugger the Logies. This would be more fun. Consider these. The Lost in Space Award to Penny Wong. Or the Hogans Heroes I Know Nothing Award to Mike Rann. How about the Federal Golden Dagger Award to...well, nuff said. Yeah, and a travel voucher, a beer voucher, a flag inn voucher. Sweeeet.

As for South Australia? Well, our Premier has again bolted overseas. We have discovered that Fred’s Fish and Chip Shop is more likely to draw the ire of SafeWork SA than the government-run desal plant would. And porn is alive and writhing throughout the Public Trustee computer network.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSMpmxP4h8U

Never a dull moment.